Unlimited JOKE thread

[GRAFX]

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes.

Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.

Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.

Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the

sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.

Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.

Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets

cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.

Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.

Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.

Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.

The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

A couple was at the mall and his wife decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked,
“Where are all the men’s clothes?”
In a demure voice the clerk replied,

“All of these clothes are for men, sir.”

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

While drinking at the river, a young bear admires its reflection and growls, “I am the king of beasts!” Along comes a lion and roars, “What was that I just heard?” “Oh, dear,” says the bear, “you say strange things when you’ve had too much to drink.”

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. “When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law.” “But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?” “In that case,” said the professor, “hammer away on the table.”

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
"Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right. Get in."

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley

motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"



The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

GRAFX

[frapper]

[GRAFX]

At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up.
The wife very pompous commented;
“Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.”
“My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.
He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”

GRAFX

[Dude111]

Bush was controlled - Now we have PROOF!

 http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?d...0154749704 

Now we finally know the truth of the matter

[GRAFX]

Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender.
As he serves a customer a Manhattan,
a piece of parsley falls into the drink.
“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

Mike replied.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.”

GRAFX

[frapper]

[GRAFX]

A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” she said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.”

“Your party has done me good,” he said. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.”

GRAFX

[frapper]

[GRAFX]

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all.
I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.
So Congratulations.
What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
"Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said,
"I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said,
"Are we over the border yet?"

GRAFX

[GRAFX]

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender,
"I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender.
"How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?"
The man whispers something to the frog,
Then the frog starts singing blue moon.
"That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.
"I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to."
"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana, you're on.
Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner."
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000,
a businessman comes up and says,
"I just saw that and I was amazed.
I want to buy your iguana for $100,000."
The man said ok,
Excepted the $100,000 then he exchanged the iguana with the businessman left.
The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!"
The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing.

The frog's a ventriloquist."

GRAFX :Hammys pint:

[frapper]

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[frapper]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[frapper]

Three guys are golfing with the club pro.

First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.

He turns to the pro and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.

He asks the pro "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond.

He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up.

He says to the pro, "The three of us hit completely different tee shots and when

we asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?'

The pro says, "Lack Of F***ing Talent."

[frapper]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies...



... "You just happened to catch my eye